It's Just Lunch Vancouver

Calling vs texting: Why singles text first despite their preference to pick up the phone

Technology has no doubt greatly shifted the landscape of dating as we know it. In fact, texting has become the new first step in dating. Despite this growing trend, most professionals singles still prefer the old-fashioned way of communicating with someone they are interested in with an actual phone call. But if so many singles prefer calling versus texting, then why are those same singles more likely to text someone first than to call them first despite their preferences?

In a recent survey, It's Just Lunch asked 2,901 singles about their dating and technology habits. The results revealed that although 72.4% of singles surveyed are more likely to text someone first after swapping numbers compared to 39.9% who are more likely to call first despite the fact that 65.8% of those same singles actually prefer to call compared to 40.9% of singles who prefer to text. It certainly came as no surprise to learn that the younger the single, the higher the preference for texting while the older the single, the higher the preference for calling.  Despite the differences in age, most singles all around definitely prefer calling over texting. It’s Just Lunch offers some possible reasons why so many singles are texting first despite their primary preference for calling.

Convenience. For professional singles who lead very busy lives, texting is a matter of convenience because it allows them to multi-task. They can send a text message while they are keeping busy at work, going out to lunch or heading toward the gym. It’s a quick and easy way to start a conversation.

Intimidation. When it comes to shy singles, texting creates a comfortable barrier between themselves and the person they may be too shy to connect with on a personal phone conversation. There’s also less pressure to be witty or quick on your feet when you have time to think before you text.

Fear of Rejection. Some singles, especially the younger generations of singles, are more likely to text someone first after swamping numbers because they can avoid blatant rejection. Getting turned down via text isn’t so bad compared to getting turned down over the phone. Additionally, some singles are easily discouraged by an unanswered or unreturned phone call.

Icebreaker. Other singles use texting as a strategic first move to help break the ice before placing the phone call. The rationale behind the icebreaker text is that it increases the probability of having your phone call answered by re-establishing the initial connection that instigated the phone number swap in the first place.

What about you? Do you prefer calling or texting? Does your actual behaviour reflect that preference? Now that you know more singles prefer calling over texting, how likely are you to change your dating behavior?

Email us to  weigh in your thoughts about dating and technology.

Professional Singles and Attraction

How many dates does it usually take for you to decide whether you are attracted to someone or not? It’s Just Lunch asked its Facebook community of professional singles and the answers varied between one and three dates.

Here at It’s Just Lunch, we realize that attraction plays a huge role in the chemistry of dating. In fact, when it comes to determining romantic chemistry, most of the busy professional singles we work with focus very heavily on physical attributes, especially those who look 10 years younger than their actual age as well as those with a strong commitment to fitness and health. It’s only natural to want to be matched up with someone who looks as good and fit as yourself.

The problem with this kind of attraction, however, is that it doesn’t take into account the kind of attraction that is built over a period of time the more you get to know someone. Since time isn’t exactly a luxury for busy singles dating, there are actually a few body language tricks you could use to create instant attraction with someone you are really interested in.

#1) Always smile. Smiles are almost as contagious as sneezes and lets your date know that you are friendly and inviting. Even if you aren’t sure what to say, a smile can go a long way letting your date know that you’re having a great time and enjoy their company.

#2) Keep an open posture. Good body language conveys more than just confidence. It also conveys interest. Are your shoulders and feet facing your date or the door? Are you arms crossed or resting comfortably at your sides? Pay attention to message you’re sending with your body.

#3) Maintain eye contact. Some say that the eyes tell no lies. You can make your date feel uneasy if you’re looking everywhere in the room but at him or her, or you can signal your attraction to your date with a lingering gaze.

#4) Mirror their body language. You can put your date at ease by mimicking their tone of voice or their body language to create an illusion of being in tune with each other. It’s a great way to build rapport with someone new making it easier to connect and communicate.

In general, just be mindful of the way you communicate with your date. Only a small percentage of communication occurs through the words we speak. More than half of all the talking is actually done with your body.

Valentines Day – Past and Present

Just 3 days to go until the most romantic day of the year! As a matchmaker I thought it might be interesting and fun to look back at the history of this foundation of our Romantic traditions.

Valentines day is named after St Valentine…but there were actually a few who went by this name. The first was Valentine of Terni, a Bishop who was martyred during the reign of Emperor Aurelian in AD 197. The second and more revered was Valentine of Rome, who was also martyred in AD 269. I feel somewhat more connected to him, having visited Santa Maria in Cosmedia in Rome where his skull is kept, adorned by a flower.

I don’t know about you, but so far it seems like a huge leap from martyrdom to the traditions related to love and romance of today’s Valentines Day.

So here is the chronology, as I see it. Valentine of Rome was a Priest, dedicated to his work, providing support and comfort to early Christians by providing holy sacraments to them, including marriage. At that time, most Roman soldiers were prohibited from marriage, as it might distract their devotion to war. So Valentine of Rome would cut hearts out of parchment, and give them to his followers as a sign of love.

The evening before his execution, Valentine wrote the first Valentine Card…from himself, to the daughter of his Jailor. She had been blind, but had regained her sight, ostensibly as a result of prayers and hope.

But there was nothing tremendously romantic for many hundreds of years, until in far away England in 1382, a medieval Poet named Geoffrey Chaucer wrote the following in his book, Parlement of Foules:

“For this was seynt Volantynys day Whan euery biyrd comyth there to chese his make”. (“For this was on Saint Valentine’s Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate). Chaucer wrote this to honour the 1^st anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia. And as a footnote, here’s a fact today’s parents will cringe at - they were ultimately married at only 15 years of age!

But why February 14^th? Well, as most things from history, it may trace to a mix of old traditions and nature. The Ancient Romans celebrated a right of fertility each year between February 13-15. And separately, in Chaucer’s England, Feb 14 was a prime season for Birds to mate. Throw all of this together, and what we have is a the most romantic of days, named after a martyred Saint who began the practice of cutting out hearts from early versions of paper. A romantic poem celebrating mating season and a royal engagement, the Roman God of Love, Cupid, and 650 years of social and commercial embellishment…and there you have it. Valentines Day 2013.

But for most of us, the bigger question looking ahead is what to make of Valentines Day?

As a matchmaker, I can weigh in with some sage advice.

If you are in a relationship, or married:

• Remember it!
• Plan something fun and romantic.
• Take the time to enjoy the day with the one you love.
• Women do love flowers…and a special dinner.
• And Men seem to be very happy with a card and a kiss like you mean it!

And, if you are single…don’t despair. Yes, this may seem like one of those awful days that you just need to survive. Restaurants filled with happy couples, as you shuffle off to the Fitness Club. But, remember, love could be right around the next corner for you. So take the time to have a look. Say hello to an attractive stranger in your coffee shop.  And just maybe Saint Valentine, or even Cupid may be watching. And if that doesn’t work, give me a call. Matchmakers can be just as good as Cupid…plus we take care of all the details and logistics…even Cupid doesn’t do that!

Happy Valentines!

Matchmaking: Canada versus China

As a professional matchmaker, you can imagine my surprise when I saw the Globe & Mail feature a front page story today titled “THE MATCHMAKER OF LOWER QIANTAN” (Jan 16, 2013).  Was this the face of a new competitor entering the Canadian market? 

No. But it was an incredibly interesting article about the challenges in meeting a mate in modern China, where men outnumber women 118 to 100. It’s part of the China Diaries, a series of articles providing insight into life in the world’s most populated nation.

The article, written by Mark MacKinnon, focuses in on life in the remote area of Lower Qiantan. This is a small village of 700 in the remote Mountains of Hunan Province. There are 80 single men with no match in sight! Across China, a severe shortage of women make it hard and expensive to find a wife. How different than here in Canada where the ranks of successful professional women find their world devoid of eligible men!

The 98 year old local matchmaker, Long Hongxiang, stands just over 3 feet tall, and has arranged the vast majority of marriages over the last 80 years that she has practiced her trade. In the pre-revolutionary days, she would set up matches at the front gates of homes with eligible females. The betrothed would not even meet until the wedding. Love was something you worked on afterwards. Divorce…unheard of. Today, the vast shortage of women mean that the families of the single men must offer a vast dowry in order to have their offer of marriage even considered.

Well folks, dating might seem challenging here in Canada, but  its mostly all fun in comparison.  I can honestly say I have never ben asked to negotiate a dowry! And in our service…yes, you get to meet face to face! I do hear many single women, particularly hose over 40, say that there are just no single men. But the facts don’t really support this. The Canadian population is fairly evenly split by sex until age 70+, when we begin to see the impact of women outliving their male counterparts. 

So why does this perception exist? I think it traces to the fact that many women become very specific when they look for a mate, and this process narrows the field down prematurely. One of my most interesting observations is that when I get the chance to meet a couple who have been married 10+ years, I find that in many cases, the mate that they selected and are very happy with, would not have fit their ’list’. But for some fortuitous reason, Fate brought them together. And Fate was correct.

So here’s my suggestion for Canadian Singles in 2013. For the men, be happy you face even odds here in Canada. You won’t need to ask your family to raise a dowry for find a woman! Just be yourself, and take some time to connect, and you should be fine.

And for women…maybe its time to open up your ‘list’. Don’t focus on being overly specific. Take the time to get to know someone who seems to share the same values and goals. And you may find Fate is on your side.

And speaking of Fate…I must say I like the ancient Chinese belief that every marriage you arrange adds 3 years to the matchmakers life!

Finding a Mate tops this Years New Years resolution for Singles

The start of a New Year offers an ideal time for each of us to take a look at our lives, and make a few resolutions to enhance our existence! For many Canadians, losing weight, and cleaning up surroundings top the list. But for the millions of singles, finding their soul mate is usually Number 1.

So if this sounds like you, I would ask you to consider a new strategy to achieve your goal. As Einstein said, the definition of Insanity is Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome. And as a matchmaker, I think this definitely applies to dating. 

An ever popular, and yet so unsuccessful strategy is to head out on New Years Eve with a few single friends, imbibe in the spirit of the night, and hope to ‘bump into that perfect mate’ who has eluded you all these years. If life were a fairy tale, then this would be a great strategy! If you are single, you may ever have tried this once or twice. But the probability in this complex world, that your future soul mate will just happen to be at the same bar at 11:59 pm New Years Eve is unfortunately highly unlikely. 

So I would recommend a more structured approach to such an important quest.

 One option would be to connect your goal of meeting someone, with another popular goal – getting in shape. There can be magic in this combination. So join a health club, or take up Yoga. You might just meet someone who at least shares your goal of a healthier lifestyle. And even if you don’t, you will be energized, feel better about yourself, and frankly, be a more attractive date.

 Increasingly, busy singles are looking to dating services to help increase their probability of finding a good match. And this time of year, the numbers support the popularity of this choice. Many online dating sites report traffic increases of 15-20%. 

Online dating sites typically provide an online profile of each member that can help you screen to what you perceive as a promising match. This can help you whittle the ‘thousands in your city’ down to ‘hundreds’. Just keep in mind that these profiles are self-authored, and may somewhat overstate the interests, attributes and activities. And with the large numbers now connecting through these sites, you may end up feeling like you have just signed up for a second job!

So for the truly busy, I would recommend they consider talking to a professional matchmaker. The advantage that this offers is that a real person, who is a specialist in matching couples, will get to know you, and work within their networks to find what they believe may be a great match. This can be a major advantage. Asking a dating expert to get to know you, and suggest matches that they believe could be a great fit for you, changes the game. Your personal ‘filters’ and ‘lists’, which may have led you to completely overlook potentially promising matches in your past, become less of a factor. And you may be surprised how much you enjoy being with a match selected just for you by a dating expert.

Another big plus is that most Professional Matchmakers will do all the logistic work for you, checking both your calendars, selecting a venue, and making the arrangements. So all you have to do is show up and have fun! And the better matchmakers will also follow up to get your thoughts on their latest match, to help guide their future selections.

And here is one interesting tidbit that I have observed over my years as a matchmaker. When I meet happily married couples who have been together at least 7 years, I often ask them if their spouse would have been on their initial ‘shopping list.’ And far more often than not, the answer is no. But when they met, they sensed chemistry and attraction. 

So if finding a mate is on your 2013 To Do List, get on it today.  But take some advice from both me, and Einstein, and try a different approach.

Remember…Valentines Day is just 6 weeks away!

Find your dream date on the flip side!

As matchmaker, I am always amazed at how many women come in with a ‘list’ that begins with height – “He must be 6’ tall or more!” Plus, he must be confident, intelligent, successful, fun, great looking, and he Must Love Dogs!

But the average Canadian male is 5’9”. So right away these smart, savvy women are eliminating well over 50% of the available male population. In fact, only 14% of men are 6’ tall or taller. So Ladies, your 6’ rule eliminated 86% of your matches. 

Now, I am known for my love of stylish shoes. My favourites just seem to come with 4-inch heels! And I know most women do like the idea that their man would still be a bit taller than them if they have their heels on. But the average Canadian woman is just 5’4”. So even with the 3” height enhancement of your rakish 4” stilettos versus the 1” heel of his typical male dress shoe, the average man would still be a comfortable 2 inches above ‘his woman’. 

What’s more Ladies, there are some pretty hot guys your list would exclude! For fun, I took a look at CBC’s 2011 Top 10 Hottest Guy survey. And of those Ten Hottest Guys, guess how many were less that your 6’ rule?

Six!  That’s right…6 out of the 10 Hottest Men. 60% of the Best of the Best! 

So come-on, would you really pass up a date with Scott Speedman, Allan Hawco, Jason Priestly, Seth Rogen, Sidney Crosby, or George Stroumboulopolis??? Not in this life. But yes Ladies, they are all shorter than 6’.  And your list excludes them.

And let’s check out Hollywood. Here are just some of the world’s most popular guys who measure 5’8” and under:

5’8”: Zac Efron, Mel Gibson, Jesse Bradford and Mark Walburg.

5’7”: Tom Cruise, Christian Slater, Ben Stiller, and Al Pacino

5’6”: Jack Black, Daniel Radcliffe, Elijah Wood, and Woody Allen

5’5”: Michael J Fox, Dustin Hoffman, Bruno Mars, and Hawaii 5-0’s Scott Caan (Dano)

And at 5’4”, some of the sexiest: Emilio Estevez, Richard Dreyfus, and James Cagney - #8 on the American Film Institute all time list of screen legends!

 So what would I recommend? How about this as a start - Rip up your play list…and check out the flip side.  You will find a cornucopia of men…talented, witty, confident, hot, single, and they might even love Dogs! In most cases, they will still be taller than you, even with your heels on. And if they’re not, do you really care!

As Humphrey Bogart  (5’8”) once said, “Here’s lookin at you, Kid!”

Dating Meets the Canadian Cold Season

With November coming, we Canadians can count on 3 things: shorter days, colder weather, and the dreaded cold and flu season! The cold remedy ads are already ramped up to full and one by one we see our colleagues fall to ‘the worst cold ever’…at least for a few days. And yes, it messes up a lot of well-laid plans - especially, if you are a matchmaker setting up first dates!

Unfortunately, we all only get one chance at a first date. What if this is THE ONE…and I am coming down with a brutal cold? Do I take a double dose of Cold FX and pray I will be “ok” or do I risk altering the universe by postponing my perfect date?

Those questions run through the minds of most single people this time of year. And yes, while it is never nice to have a bad cold, it’s a lot more comforting when you are in a stable relationship, and can count on your mate to see you through.

But, it is our reality…so as a professional matchmaker, here is my best advice!

 Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That’s a good place to start.

• No one wants to catch a cold. And no one wants to go out with you if you are coughing, wheezing and sneezing.

• Most of us don’t like last minute cancellations.

• There is a tomorrow!

So the best plan is to contact your date as early as you can, and make an alternate arrangement.  Be sure they know you are disappointed!  Then, reconnect as soon as you are back on your feet.

But what if it hits you just as the date is about to start? That feverish flush, the tingling scalp… but they are already on their way.  Well, that is a tough call.  If it’s not too bad, maybe suggest a slightly quieter and relaxed venue. But if it’s really hitting you, then you will need to apologize, laugh about the misfortune, and stay in touch. The important thing is to be genuine, and ensure they know that you really did want to get together!

The other thing we Canadians know is that we will recover, the days will get longer, and hopefully your rescheduled date will go well!  Maybe next time your date can bring you some tea and a box of Kleenex!

Is Our Dating Life Already Hardwired Into Us?

We attempt to program our lives all the time-we DVR our favorite shows so we can watch them whenever and where-ever we want. We bookmark our favorite websites so we can visit them more conveniently. We even have  the numbers of our friends and family programmed in our cell phones, so we can reach them with just a touch of a button and never have to remember the actual number. But, have we been doing this with our dating life as well?

A while back we at It’s Just Lunch® conducted several important surveys on dating, that covered major topics impacting men and women’s decision to date certain people, such as career, education, and money. The results produced quite a stir and brought up thought-provoking ideas from the psychological, sociological, and professional communities about how we “choose” our partners and how specifically men and women differ in this area.

In a recent Wall Street Journal Article discussing our survey, Psychiatrist Scott Carroll said that the emerging field of evolutionary psychology views "dating upward" as being in-bred in females. "Current scientific thinking is that women's tendency to seek more successful males is part of a genetic survival program. The exceptions to this rule are when women will seek either a physically dominant male for physical protection or a more nurturing male if the woman is more masculine and highly successful herself."

Lawyer and blogger Chaton Turner disagreed. She said, "I think that it comes from conditioning as opposed to genetics." She added that she had always bucked the trend; dating a variety of men regardless of age, height, and wealth. 

So, what do you think? Visit us on our Facebook page to join the conversation. 

Stopping to Smell the Roses

There sure is a lot of buzzing about online dating these days. The water-cooler which was once a glorious place to waste a few minutes of a very long day is now ruined with profile speak. Heck, you can’t even peacefully grind your teeth in the 10 items or less line without being subjected to a fascinating conversation about choosing the right “user name”. 

According to the commercials, featuring the most attractive people (models), with the whitest teeth you’ve ever seen (caps), there’s a hot model with perfect gums that practices your exact religion, subscribes to your favorite reading materials (Wow! They read too!), and is just waiting for you to jump online and find them. And if for some reason, you two don’t hit it off, there are 100 more just like them.

So does all this dental work live up to its promise? Are people really falling in love left and right like an episode of the Love Boat on ecstasy? 

According to a recent study*, what online dating has accomplished is a platform where  “romantic browsing triggers” happen. Instead of considering a potential partner on specific characteristics that would align with your true ideals, speedy decisions are made, based upon finding, “the best” profile, which of course includes a picture. This study found that when folks were faced with many profiles (up to 90), they made faster decisions, and wrote potentials off quicker, instead of weighing important information. These hasty decisions demonstrated that people forgot what they were really looking for in a mate. In contrast, those who had to select from say four people, considered real options, and complex information for a potential partner. This same study also found that going on a REAL date was more productive in truly getting to know someone, than just online chatting. 

The morale of the study? Take time to smell the roses. Focusing on what you want, going out on a date, and then deciding what comes next. We at It’s Just Lunch® are proud of our 20 years of dating success stories. No user names, no photos, ...ever. Just lunch with someone specifically matched to your interests and values.

 

 

*Finkel, E. J., Eastwick, P. W., Karney, B. R., Reis, H. T., & Sprecher, S. (2012). Online dating: A critical analysis from the perspective of psychological science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1), 3–66.

 

Is It Just Lunch…or Is It More!

As a professional matchmaker, I often come across interesting studies that relate
to the intricacies of dating and courtship. A recent study released by
researchers at Cornell University really caught my attention…

The Researchers, Kevin Kniffen and Brian Wansink, were interested
in the importance of what they refer to as ‘commensality’. Yes, I had to Google
that, and it means ‘the practice of eating meals at the same table.’ They asked
the question, “Does sharing food involve sharing more than just food?”  

 And their answer was a resounding  YES!!

To investigate this, participants in their research study were asked to rate how
jealous they (Study 1) – or their best friend (Study 2) – would be if their current
romantic partner were contacted by an ex-romantic partner and subsequently
engaged in an array of food- and drink-based activities. They consistently
found – across both men and women – that meals elicit more jealousy than
face-to-face interactions that do not involve eating, such as having coffee.
These findings suggest that people generally presume that sharing a meal
enhances cooperation. In the context of romantic pairs, they found that
participants are attuned to relationship risks that extra-pair commensality can
present. For romantic partners left out of a meal, they found a common view
that lunch, for example, is not “just lunch.” In fact, knowing
your partner is having lunch with an ex can trigger sexual tension!

Their tests found the lowest rated activity in terms of eliciting jealousy was email
correspondence. A live phone chat was somewhat higher. The next step up was
face-to-face interaction, over a coffee. But what was particularly interesting
was the elevated jealousy recorded when the face-to-face meeting occurred over
lunch, and involved eating a meal together, versus just consuming a beverage.

Now here is a fun part of their research report. They found it interesting that the
world’s most successful non-internet dating service was called ‘It’s Just
Lunch’, and postulated that the implicit behavioural associations that
relate to ‘communal preparation and consumption of food may impart an advantage
to It’s Just Lunch’…as people intuitively know that there is more to this whole
thing than just lunch!

Who knows if it does? But my two cents worth is that that Lunch is a
great way to approach a first date. Because it is mid-day, it reduces the
stress of ‘what to wear, and what to do after’. Because it typically has a time
line of about an hour, it is a comfortable amount of time to get a solid first
impression of someone you are meeting for the first time. And because you are
in a public place, it gives you the opportunity see how a potential date
interacts with others such as waiters, and so on and this always helps you
gauge chemistry.

So my advice is to get out from behind your computer, put down your smart phones,
and Do Lunch this summer with someone you find interesting. Maybe it will turn
out to be more than just lunch!

However, if you really like being behind your computer, you can read the full report at:

http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0040445

 

 

Wanted: Activity Partner!

Sharing in activities and adventures is an important part of any relationship, but can opposite interests derail a potential match? Our latest It’s Just Lunch survey uncovered some interesting results.

A small majority of men (40%) and women (48%) said they would be open to exploring new ideas, but worried about one person’s interests dominating over the other. But 35% of men and 28% of women saw a lack of common interests as a real concern—and another 10% of both men and women saw it as a deal breaker altogether.

Sometimes, one person will have more life experiences than the other, such as travel, work, et cetera. Could this also create a dilemma? Our respondents say no, with 84% of both men and women saying they wouldn’t mind learning from someone who had more experience as well as being able to share in those experiences in the future.

Our take at Its Just Lunch Vancouver: Obviously, a world-class triathlete and a couch-potato gamer might not match well. But there is something to be said for a mutual understanding that you can’t have everything in common. Still, being open to trying to new things and sharing in adventures will lay the foundation for an exciting and rewarding relationship.